Tuesday, April 19, 2011


Faster than a speeding bullet, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, look up in the sky…I bet you thought I was going to say Superman didn’t you? Nope it’s not the guy in a cape and tights.  It happens to be the bane of my life, bamboo.

I kid you not; bamboo grows at least a foot a night. In a week it is as high as a 4-story building.  Ok, so maybe I am exaggerating a tad, but not by much. 

A few days ago, while my dear husband was at work and before I was sidelined by the worst cough and cold all year, I decided that I would cull out some of the bamboo that is taking over the back of my yard.  The wind knocked some extra long stalks on top of my kennel and was threatening to squash the heck out of it. 

Did you ever try and saw fresh bamboo?  Well, the problem is that bamboo is hollow and when you get your saw halfway through, it hits the hollow area and just stops there.  Then you have to hack and pull and wrench on it in an effort to get it to let go. The frustration peaks to a frenzied crescendo and you resort to beating at it with the nearest available tool, namely the saw. 

Hint…flailing saws are dangerous.  The saw sliced easily through my gloves and almost severed my thumb.  Did you know that what separates us hominids from the lower forms of animals happen to be our opposable thumbs?  Well, I almost demoted myself from that level of evolution by separating myself from my thumb.

So after several hours of frustration, band-aid runs, spider webs, aggravating dust from last year’s leaves, I emerged from my bamboo jungle, hair all askew and covered with various leaves and debris. Do you have a visual?  Frightful sight don’t you think?  In my wake lay stacks of sawed off pieces of bamboo. 

And since I’m not getting into making bamboo furniture anytime soon, husband dear will be taking a few trips to the local dump.  Sad to say there is still tons of bamboo growing at its nuclear rate of speed. I read somewhere that Giant pandas eat about 30 lbs. of bamboo a day.  Anyone know where I can borrow a panda for week or two?


Heather said...

wooo, wooo, lol, totally love this! Yes, get a panda, crystal...we don't need our wonderful artist losing her fingers clipping down the bamboo!
i love your sense of humor! xo

Carol Blackburn said...

Be careful, Crystal....we had tons of this growing in our yard of a house I owned many years ago and I got a terrible rash on my arm from pulling the tender shoots up and getting some sap on my skin. You should let it mature then sell the bamboo poles; they are not cheap in the store. You can make Tiki torches and probably your own fabric like they do today if you are industrious. Are you absolutely sure you want to destroy this money-making plant the good Lord has dumped in your lap?????? Sorry, I don't know where you can borrow a Panda. :(

Wanda said...

I do love your human interest stories...never a dull moment around your house or blog...just too fun to come here and share your life.

Yes, big Panda's would be nice!!! And then maybe dinner at Panda Express.

craftattack said...

Whew, sounds like an adventure! Glad you have been spared the awful fate of an evolutional regression, that would have shocked Darwin! Take care, hugs, Valerie

Lee said...

I love the look of bamboo but was advised not to plant any because it's invasive. Thank you for defining "invasive" for me. Take care!

Magic Love Crow said...

Crystal, I am glad you are alright and safe ;o) I love reading your posts, I have always a smile on my face! You are a great writer! It's too bad you can't donate the bamboo to a zoo??? I don't know if panda's would like it already cut? Take Care!

Anonymous said...

Crystal, this was a great post but so are all of your other ones!!! I'm fresh out of Pandas. I do have a 130 lb, black and white alaskan malamute! He eats just about anything, but I think he draws the line at bamboo...unless it squeaks :)

Craftymoose Crafts said...

When we first moved into our house, we thought of plants some bamboo as a windbreak. After my husband's cousin told us how it takes over, we wisely planted trees instead! Glad your thumb is still attached!

An Unusual Girl Named Christine said...

I wish I lived near you- I'd rent a panda costume and hang out in your back yard!

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